unspoken werds...

been 5 months...since i last met you.and still counting.
dis is the longest so far ever since 230108...
i've been and still am carrying these heavy feelings dat i jus cant describe.
its a mixture of hurt+pain+betrayed+heartache...
the feeling is terrible.trust me.
i want to cry to make myself feel better.
but it seems dat even these eyes have refused to cry animore.
maybe it became tired of crying.jus like i am.
tired of playing dis game u've pulled me in.

i wud have bear the pain.but till wen?
i wud have waited.and i still am waiting.
im hurting.the pain never go away.the wounds refused to heal.
i did try pulling myself together.
but no matter how hard i tried,i still see myself falling apart.
so wat am i to do?
its not dat i didnt wanna end dis.but u refuse to let it end.
is it my fault?
perhaps it is.because i love u too much.
so what happens now?
only u have the answer.and im still waiting for ur answer up till this moment.

were there werds that remains unspoken by you wen we last met.
or perhaps u expect me to understand those silence u gave me.
silence dat i shud assume dat marked the end of everiting.
cos u refused to say aniting.wen u alreadi said ur gonna make a confession.
so was the silence ur term of confession?
how was i to know.wen i tot silence was ur way of loving me.
u never told me dat ur silence has changed its meaning.
u shud have told me dat ur silence means the end of everiting.
so i wud stop waiting.and these wounds wud start healing.
and my story wud finally have an ending.
so i can live happily never after...

results is out alreadi...well i wont say i did badly.i did ok but the 1st sem results were much better...as u can see my GPA is 2.971.i scored B for banking&finance and also for intermediate accounting.and C for my business communication.i realli tot i wud score an A for BFS and C for IAC.oh well nvm...2 B and 1 C will do jus fine i guess...aniwae its over...hahaha...on a sweeter note,my bro congratulate me!!!hahaha...he said keep up the gd werk...he said dat becos he dunno about my 1st sem results...if not i cud have gotten a long lecture from him.hahaha...

oh yes i saw someone who looked exactly like my late dad few days back.he looked as if my dad have a twin bro...from the way he dressed,facial expression,skin tone,hair style...simply everiting...i was very shocked.i stared at him and he also stared at me back...hahaha...oh yes...i do miss my dad sooo much...

skool's starting very soon...and believe it or not im kind of excited for skool:)

i wanna have u in my arms and never let u go.gosh!im realli missing u dat much...

been having very2 weird dreams bout nik lately...i dunno why.im starting to get worried.few days back i dreamt of him coming to my house to meet parents...the weird ting is he's wearing t shirt wif flowered shorts!!!those hawaiian shorts u noe...OMG!!!i was like wth!!!dat is the first time i see him so selekeh(lousily dressed).he's always neatly dressed.unlike me.oh nvm about me...hahahah....i guess i must be missing him so much to be dreaming bout him aften.yes...i do miss him so much...VERY VERY MUCH.shud i give him a call jus to check how he's doing???ever since our last meeting in november,i wud reminisce bout all the time we spent together everitime i missed him...he is very special indeed.need i say more...i've never loved anione so much like dis before.yes u can say im living in denial.say watever u want.try standing in my shoes and u'll noe wat im going thru ryte now...oh god!!!the best ting i can do is jus to pray for his safety...

if only silence is a sign of love den i wud have known dat ur so much in love wif me.sadly it isnt...

humans make mistakes...and in life,we always take people for granted.some of which are the most important people in our life...without realising it...and wen u finalli realise dat u've taken them for granted,its alreadi too late for u to apologise or express how u felt towards them...in my case,i used to take my late dad for granted...in fact to me he almost dun exist.i've never realised how important he is to me...jus becos he dun raise me up...my world revolve around my mum.who has been the one raising me up and going thru all the shit i've put her thru...i tot who needs a dad wen my mum can give all the love a mum+dad can give...but i was mistaken to think dat.wat i dunno is a father's love can never be replaced by anione.no one...not even my mum...and i discovered dis wen i lost the figure of my dad forever...i realised my dad's love is different from my mum's.i finalli realised how much i longed for my dad's love...i've never given him a chance to show me how much he realli loves me...cos no matter how bad ur dad is...he is still ur dad.without him i'll never be born to dis world.and no matter how bad he is no other man can replace their place in ur life.no matter how much u try to hate them,watever dat is gonna happen to them will somehow have great impact on u.simply becos its their blood running thru urs...u cant run away from dat...no matter how much u try to hate them u cant...cos deep down inside u noe u love them...u can keep denying to the world...but u cant deny dat fact to urself...i miss my dad and i've been carrying a huge burden on my shoulder for almost 3 yrs now.the guilt of not having the chance to seek forgiveness from him before he left.up till today,i never failed to weep at his grave everitime i visit him.i always do.i cant help tinking on how im such a bad daughter.i've dissapoint both my parents.i've let them down.its jus a matter of time till they are aware of dis dissapointment.someting i've realli wanted to do and till now i havent got the courage to is fall to their feet and tell them dat i've let them down.i blame no one for dis.i only have myself to blame.i fail to choose wisely.i've failed to make my parents proud of me.my late dad might be ashame to have a daughter like me.i dun have the courage to own up.i cant bear to see my mum crying in dissapointment.no...her tears will jus break my heart.it did,the last time she cried...and it always will...

and so thursday was tiring + fun.the day was start as early as 7+.woke up at 6+ in the morning...yes believe it or not...i didnt sleep the whole nite...cos i scared later cannot wake up...hhahahaha...met yaya at 7.45 am at bedok den proceed to sub court.had to wait for quite some time before her ex family reach there...his case is postponed till next wednesday.she was quite relieved.well at least she got to spend some time wif him and i can see dat she's realli happy...im happy for u too babygerl...so yeah...from sub court we proceed to sembawang for a while...stayed there till 4 den went home...i reached home at 6 in the evening.i was damn exhausted...

slept for about 3 hrs...yaya has been trying to call me since 8+ but i was too tired to entertain any phone calls...we were suppose to be out clubbing dat nite.i promised her i'd go...i cant believe she actualli came over to my house to wake me up...LOL...so i had no choice but to wake up and get ready...went out from my house around 10+.we reached dbl O at around 11+ i tink...it was fun.realli.i did enjoy myself there.although yaya was quite pissed wif nurul cos she kind of ruin her mood but i guess overall it was good.i reached home at 4.30.washed up and went to bed.my legs were aching like hell!i shall never wear heels animore...oh god...

woke up the next day and my head is like spinning non stop...my legs are aching like hell and i feel so damn bloody exhausted...i shall never repeat dis ting again.i learnt my lesson well enuff...hahahaha...been feeling lethargic lately although i've had more den enuff rest...i dunno why...is it due to my insomnia or me going out at nite often...i jus dunno...i realli dunno wat blog about...and im restricting myself to blog bout nik.i tink i've had enuff blogging bout him alreadi...so yeah...i guess i'll jus stop here...

dearest babygerl...

i shall give u an advance b'dae wish cos im afraid dat i might not be online later...so ya...here it goes...HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!may Allah always bless u wif good health and happiness always.i love u so much.more den i love nik ok!hope u'll find someone who can bring lots and lots of happiness to u.

P.S: please be more matured:)